In this era, everyone seems to be rushing, on the verge of burnout, stressed and feeling at times like it’s just all too much.

And the truth is, we have collectively lived through some trauma in recent years, and through many generations. As women, what we seem to do is try to get more done, to heal faster, to do the self-work - taking on more routines that we feel will help us get to where we feel we have to go.

Right?

No.

What we need is to slow down, pause, recalibrate and to choose softness - softness as a rebellion of the busy-ness, the never stopping and relentless pace of this time. 

Life is truly hard enough already, and that is why softness is the answer.

The Invisible Weight Women Carry

After being close to burnout, whether from life, parenting or putting our own needs aside, we often have no time because something always needs to be done. Add to this that many of us are either experiencing or working on healing trauma, and, of course, feeling overwhelmed is so natural.

We’ve heard so much about the ‘men’s loneliness epidemic’ of late, but what about the women’s overwhelm epidemic? Or collective trauma epidemic? This is what we need to talk about - because the answer to healing all of these things are likely the same. 

As a woman, we have to prioritise to get through the long to-do lists, while we hold space for the many, many things we manage and people we care for. It’s not just what we have to do, but who we have to be, and what we need to give emotion and energy to - the invisible weight that keeps most of us too tired to think about pleasure.

Many of us are carers - for children, partners, friends, our parents, the world and/or our high maintenance dogs, which leaves so little time for us.

Most of us are also working long hours, and trying to stay sane and grounded in a world that seems like an absolute circus at times. We look at the list of 4000 things that need done, the overdue tax returns, the meals needing made, the assignment or presentation that needs submitted while we simultaneously try to organise childcare for the upcoming day our boss has called a last minute, must-attend meeting on the  day our two year old is usually home. 

And to survive, we think ‘what can I not do today to make sure all of these other things get done and everything doesn’t fall apart?’ - as many of us are close to the brink at moments, or carefully treading water to stay afloat.

We let go of important things to make sure everything else is done. Catch ups with besties go out the window, we push back creative work that feeds our soul and we overlook or remove anything that isn’t close to being on fire from our ‘right now’ list. 

And for many of us, part of what is being removed is dating, or being intimate with our partner, or intimate with ourselves. 

Why? 

Because in many cases, it feels like there is no time to indulge in pleasure. Instead of making deep connection and joy a priority, it all begins to feel like work, as if it drains energy and resources that we ‘should’ be putting elsewhere. And the guilt - the guilt of doing something we enjoy -instead of everything screaming out for our attention, it’s real.

When Pleasure Slips Away

This is not how it is meant to be, because in truth, that sensuality, that intimacy, that connection to self and others is what actually gives us more energy 

But we need to make sure it’s welcomed and nurtured in a heartfelt way.

Somewhere, amidst the collective chaos, our nervous systems have shut down,or forgotten how to switch off. Yet instead of listening, we keep fighting a losing battle of trying to get more done - to not break the intense cadence we expect from ourselves. Yet by doing so, we harden ourselves, armour ourselves, and medicate, drink wine to switch off or eat cake to push the feelings down - to ‘survive’ the next onslaught of everything all at once. 

This is not the way we are. 

We are Women - and We Are Softness. This is Not Our Nature

Softness, sweetness and gentleness are at the core of our being, and yet so many of us have pushed this away, hidden it or lost touch with our essence, to survive the masculine hardness we;ve become accustomed to in the outer world - that is not our nature. 

Without this balance, we harden and life gets harder, because we are pushing against our natural flow.

This is exactly why we need to pause, to stop, to be yin.

Many women reading this would laugh, and say, but I can’t, I can’t stop, I have no time to stop.

But, yes, yes you can stop - and yes, somewhere, amongst all of what you do, there is time.

You’ve probably lost sight of why taking time out even matters, because you’ve been on autopilot for so long. You may even question if it’s possible for your life to be grounded in pleasure - even if it’s only for small moments at times. 

Your being, your mind and your body have been on overdrive - giving so much for too long, with no rest, and now your entire nervous system has either de-prioritised true delight, warmth and joy and or has completely forgotten what it feels like.

You’ve been trying to please everyone for so long, and in the process you have forgotten how to please yourself; or maybe you never learnt how. Either way, it’s time to make it happen, because it matters that you do.

Somewhere, there is space. 

Rest Is Not Quitting

Maybe it’s the 15 minutes you scroll socials. Or the time you sink into folding clothes that someone else routinely throws into a drawer. 

What can be taken off your list? Today?

Being in touch with pleasure - fully - requires a safe nervous system - not an overloaded one, not one that is in fight or flight relentlessly. 

A deregulated nervous system pushes quiet, silence, peace and inner sanctuary away. To really regulate ourselves, you need to call that calm and softness and sweetness back in, on every level you can.

This can take time, but the only way you will bring this together is by releasing self pressure, and saying no to what you need to, so that you can say yes to what you actually require.

Very few of us feel like being intimate when we are weighed in with household chores, in financial stress, haven’t slept after a child’s been up for nights, or are managing high-stress roles, whether well paid, underpaid or unpaid.

Every life stage of a woman will bring with it massive life-changing shifts. From our first period, through to child birth or menopause, there will be something new and incredible to journey through.

Perimenopause can seem like a wild time for many women. Arriving between our mid thirties and mid fifties, it heralds the space between ‘creating and giving life’ and an emerging new life phase - one that is both terrifying and beautiful, a world of shifting priorities - including finally placing yourself at the centre’.

When you push pleasure away, you will find that sensuality slips away with it too - when in truth, maybe you just need to rest, not quit. Whether it’s some you time, support, love, or some ‘absolutely nothing at all right now’ that you need, do it. These are the spaces that real, true, deep intimacy can flourish in, that beautiful yin space of creation. 

And this is what women are - we are yin. 

If you are here, you need to take a moment to realise that you haven’t lost your sensuality, because it will always be a part of who you are. It’s time to remember that your inner intimacy is still very well alive, even if it’s been pushed back to manage piles of laundry to be folded, parenting for long hours, neverending work deadlines, deep grief or healing your heart after a breakup.

It’s not gone though. It may just have been driven so far away, put on hold for so long or relegated in place of things that really don’t matter that much. It’s not surprising you have not known how or where to find it though, because you've been so focused everywhere else. 

Sensuality, intimacy - and sex - are an integral part of most women's lives for many decades. When we are rushed, tired, stressed, in trauma, overloaded or exhausted, our nervous system will likely say no to more.

And when a woman is overwhelmed, hurting, feeling lost or in emotional depths, she will naturally conserve her energy.

She will take things off her list, and unless she is using intimacy as a distraction and release (which has its own flow on effect that often requires more time and healing), she will often avoid it all together, in herself, and with others.

She may not want to be touched, or make time for herself to be intimate, or rest - or do what makes her feel alive, because she’s armoured herself against softness for so, so long, and resists her true nature. And intimacy moves well beyond sexual connection. It’s closeness, it’s surrender, openness, tenderness and warmth embodied.

What if pleasure is the more that we really need, heart and soul, it really is.

And, by saying yes to ourselves - to joy, to pleasure - we say yes to the deep healing we’ve been searching for?

It’s a self-gift that gives back without doing endlessly, one that expands the beauty of being feminine, and allows that energy to create a flow that is ethereal and nurturing.

And this is why it’s time to reconnect, slowly, softly, gently and sublimely, with our inner passion, sensuality and the feminine depths that have always existed within the centre of your intrinsic essence.

It’s coming back to your self-centre - not self-centredness. It’s returning to the very energy that you are. 

It’s saying no to the event full of small talk, and saying yes to your passion. Maybe it’s painting beautiful art all day, or spending a day in bed with your lover or doing absolutely nothing at all, it doesn’t matter. It’s about choosing what makes you feel good, and choosing this again and again, even if it begins in simple pleasures, fleeting moments, or the rare occasion that you decide it’s about you, not anyone, or anything else - and feel into that with every part of your being.

So what now?

Your life will likely remain full, yes. You may be distracted or busy for some time ahead.

It doesn’t matter. 

It’s time to start where you are and redefine what real joy and pleasure means to you. Or reignite the spark or pure joy that’s always been there - independent of the external - it’s about you. No matter where you are, you can make a space for your joy and deep connection, amidst the chaos of the outer world.

By giving this gift to yourself, and inviting this joy to overflow into every part of your being, you will have the most beautiful anchor, a true north in the times of heartbreak, wild storms, mundane and mediocre moments, tired days and emotional voids.

By recreating joy, and being able to relax, fully into your own softness, you create a safety within yourself, a place of laughter, peace and sensuality - of flow - which enables your nervous system to be calm enough to receive - and, yes, also, give fully, when you choose to. 

By calling in your softness, by calling in slowness, you may find that the world feels softer and so much more peaceful. Allow this, and let it overjoy you.

Where to from here?

It’s your story, it’s your journey and you need to find what feels good for you.

If you need some inspiration to get started, here are some ways I have learned to soften over the years

~ Make space for you, learn to play again. (even if it start with just 15 mins)

~ Let go of guilt around taking time for yourself and making your pleasure a priority.

~ Explore what sensual means to you. It may not be sex, it may be silk sheets, rose damascus, or a long bath with candles. Whatever it is, do this.

~ Embrace feeling joy in your intimate relationships - including the one you have with yourself, and start listening to your body, completely.

~ Enjoy yourself, whatever that means to you. 

Pleasure is not a separate concept from self, it’s the core of who you are, it’s always there, and even if you’ve forgotten it - it’s sitting quietly, inviting you to embrace fully.

This piece was written by Genevieve and shared with The Ruby Mary Journal.